"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
--Homer Simpson

The Ophir Quiz!

By Jive U. Knott, Trustee

As an ophicial Trustee of Ophir Prison, one of my tasks is to help educate the community about the prison, to put its “best face forward,” as it were. Despite the warden’s best efforts, however, this band and its dum major, Capt. Rufus T. Whizbang, have become the face of the prison.

With that in mind, and in an attempt to promote goodwill and foster a better understanding, I present: the Ophir Quiz! Take this quiz and find out how much you really know about Ophir Prison, about the band, about music, and about your gullibility.

The occasionally original and obligatorily obnoxious Ophir Quiz prize list for the number of correct answers includes:
10-8     A collection of used U.S. Naval Intelligence, compliments of Jonathan Pollard
7-5     A collection of used navel lint, compliments of Rush Limbaugh
4-2     A collection of used naval jelly, compliments of the Ophir Prison sousaphone section
0-1     A peanut to the forehead, personally thrown by Capt. Rufus T. Whizbang

And now, without further doo-doo, the Ophir Quiz!
  1. How does Capt. Rufus T. Whizbang communicate with the band?
    1. He blows his whistle.
    2. He blows his top.
    3. He gestures with his plunger.
    4. He gestures with his fingers.
    5. All of the above

  2. Where is Ophir Prison?
    1. About 25 miles southwest of Volcanoville
    2. About 45 miles southeast of Palermo
    3. About 65 miles northwest of Arnold
    4. Ophir there

  3. What did Frank the Amazing Rubber Chicken do before he was dragged into the band?
    1. He was a vaudeville prop.
    2. He fertilized plastic Easter eggs.
    3. He was a lab test subject for Foster Farms®.
    4. He was a barnyard pet for the Michelin Man™.

  4. What does it mean when you can’t hear the Ophir Prison band's trumpets at a concert?
    1. You’re in the wrong venue.
    2. You’re in denial.
    3. You’re in luck.
    4. Why the hell would anyone want to hear the trumpets?

  5. Why do Ophir Prison band members walk while they play their instruments?
    1. Hello... We’re a Marching Kazoo Band (sheesh!).
    2. To keep the spit valves from emptying onto our shoes
    3. If we tried to stand still, we might fall over.
    4. To get away from the noise

  6. What keeps "Big Dog's" sousaphone from falling apart?
    1. Baling wire
    2. Spot welding
    3. Chemical reactions
    4. Rust
    5. A tuba glue

  7. What was Capt. Rufus T. Whizbang's state of mind when he devised the "Superstar" drill for the band?
    1. Drunk
    2. Psychotic
    3. Psychedelic
    4. Masochistic
    5. All of the above

  8. What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
    1. Satanic messages
    2. Even sleepier
    3. "Cease and Desist" orders
    4. New Age music

  9. What's the difference between a tenor saxophone and a lawn mower?
    1. The grip
    2. You can tune a lawn mower.
    3. The neighbors get upset if you own a lawn mower but don’t use it.
    4. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

  10. Which of the following were rejected as a title for the band's most recent CD?
    1. Rubber Chicken Soul
    2. Swiller
    3. Rufus Not Featuring Chaka Khan
    4. Frank & Stein
    5. An Ophir Prison Tribute to Celine Dion
    6. Capt. Whizbang's Homely Farts Pub Band
    7. All of the above
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