"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
--W.C. Fields
 

Frequently Asked Questions

Anyone who has seen the Ophir Prison Marching Kazoo Band and Temperance Society, Lmtd. has come to us with many questions. This page contains many frequently asked questions about us. Hopefully this will help answer some of the questions you have concerning the band. If by chance your question isn't found on this list, we probably don't want to answer it at this time. But you may e-mail the question to Rufus anyway. He might just give you an answer.


Question: What is Ophir?

Answer: Pronounced as in "O-fer-pete's sake," Ophir is a small gold rush town just west of Auburn, California.



Question: Is "Rufus" his real name?

Answer: No one in the band uses his real name. Some to protect our families, some because we still have warrants outstanding, and Rufus uses his stage name to protect him from his family.



Question: Why does Rufus look like a different person sometimes?

Answer: Rufus is a master of disguise.



Question: What is the story of Rufus T. Whizbang?

Answer: That's a long story and will have to be dealt with at another time.



Question: Are there any violent criminals in the band?

Answer: No. We used to allow murderers and the like into the band but they kept getting sent to the chair, so we stopped letting them in.

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Question: So...what are you all in for?

Answer: Tax evasion mostly and these other charges:
  1. Wanted for carrying a concealed kazoo without a permit.
  2. Wanted on suspicion of sax evasion.
  3. Wanted for playing 'pp' in the street.
  4. Wanted for attempting to drink a circle of fifths.
  5. Wanted for practicing music without a license.
  6. Wanted for marching to his own drummer.
  7. Wanted for indecent exposure involving a piccolo and vaseline.
  8. Wanted on twin counts of forging a key signature and holding a fermata against its will.
  9. Wanted for soliciting for sax.
  10. Wanted for unlawful use of a tuba as a marital aid.
  11. Wanted for exposing himself to an innocent instrument. Use extreme caution and keep your instruments on hand locked up.
  12. Wanted for public drunkeness and disorderly conduct. May be in possession of multiple beers at once. Use tion.
  13. Wanted in connection with the unauthorized use of written dynamics.
  14. Wanted in connection with the maiming and dismemberment of a copyrighted song.
  15. Wanted for murdering a song.
  16. Wanted for drumming out of tune.
  17. Wanted for associating with musicians of ill repute.
  18. Wanted ... for no better reason.
  19. Wanted for indecent exposure of a trombone slide.
  20. Wanted for contributing to the delinquency of a minor chord.
  21. Wanted for impersonating a musician. Should be considered armed and delirious.
  22. Wanted for being a part of this horrible web site glossing the Ophir Prison Marching Band.
  23. Wanted for 3 counts of bugle-ary.
  24. Wanted for soliciting a french hor...n.
  25. Wanted on suspicion of noise pollution.
  26. Wanted for unlawful possession of controlled instrument.
  27. Wanted for drinking an intoxicating beverage from an unclean bra cup.
  28. Wanted for playing piano on a trumpet.
  29. Wanted for illegal lubrication of his slide bone.
  30. Wanted on 2 counts of impersonating someone with rhythm.
  31. Wanted for triple tonguing his cymbals.
  32. Wanted for public fondling of bongos.
  33. Wanted on suspicion of frenching a french horn.
  34. Wanted for carrying a tune over state lines.
  35. Wanted for questioning in a high-profile sax scandal.
  36. Wanted for assault and battery of good taste.
  37. Wanted on suspicion of bribery to attract an audience.
  38. Wanted for carrying an invalid or forged musician's license.
  39. Wanted by some cellmates for keeping a well lubricated BRASS.
  40. Wanted for unlawfully wire tapping a (sousa)phone.
  41. Wanted on 536 counts of draining a spit valve onto unsuspecting pedestrians.
  42. Wanted on 5 counts of fingering his instrument in public.
  43. Wanted for opening a spit valve on a public sidewalk.




Question: Wasn't Al Capone sent to jail for tax evasion?

Answer: What's your point?



Question: Didn't there used to be more guys in the band?

Answer: There were, but last year we played a concert over in Nevada and when we came back into California we went through that fruit and nut inspection... well... this is all we have left.



Question: Does anybody ever try to escape while at a parade?

Answer: What!?! And get kicked out of the band?



Question: Do you take requests?

Answer: We tried, but our horns just don't fit there.

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Question: What is wrong with "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"?

Answer: There is nothing wrong with the song or our performances of it. People just can't remember the words.



Question: Does the band ever win in parade competitions?

Answer: We almost always win our division. Okay, beating the Salvation Army in the "adult band" class isn't much, but we have posted several grand sweepstakes awards!



Question: What happens to money that is donated to the band during concerts?

Answer: All money collected goes to the "Ophir Prison Halfway House." This is for girls who don't go all the way. (We have a 93% success rate at curing that!)



Question: What kind of events have you played at?

Answer: Anywhere we can get away with it! We have played in parades all over Northern California and played concerts at most. We have played for major sporting events like Warriors Basketball, Indoor Soccer, and the Pig Bowl. We are also known to terrorize an occasional wedding, a few high Sschool events, and once we played at a frat party. (That was a mistake!)



Question: Are you guys crazy?

Answer: No, that's another institution altogether. The California State Mental Hospital does have a kickin' band though. I got to sit in with them one time when I was in for "observation." They never get to go anywhere though... too many psychopaths.

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Question: Can anyone join the band?

Answer: Well almost; the band has standards (they are low but they do exist). To find out more about how to join us in our merriment, click here.
 
 
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